


If I Were Free

by Musyc



Category: The Tudors
Genre: Age Difference, Community: kink_bingo, Epistolary, Eustace Chapuys - character, F/M, Mary Tudor - character, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-22
Updated: 2012-10-22
Packaged: 2017-11-16 20:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/543710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musyc/pseuds/Musyc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mary writes to the Ambassador, a letter that she will never send.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Were Free

Eustace,

You have always been a true friend and companion. In my blackest days, when my dreams have convinced me that all is at an end and the next man to enter my presence will be carrying the orders for my death, when I am certain that my father will choose to end the arguments and debates of the succession by removing both Elizabeth and myself in a permanent fashion so that he may begin anew, I can look at your letters and think of your sweet voice, and I am comforted. I have never felt a moment of fear when with you, my dear Ambassador. You have long been a staunch defender and loyal compatriot, and I have long loved you for it.

Dearest Eustace, there are times when I wish I were not a royal Princess, that I wish my father were not the King. There are women who must envy me for what I am, for my fine clothes and large house, for my many ladies in attendance, for my hours of gentle, feminine pursuits. I do not need to break my back and my limbs in hard, earthy work. To them, I am the freest of women. I would tell those women, that when it comes to the lists of love, the choices of marriage and the joining of a man to a maid, they are far more free than I will ever be. I am no fool, no young and naive child, unaware of my value to my King and my country. I am not unaware of the value of the one thing I can give to only one man. I am still a maiden, a royal virgin, and that alone wraps me in chains no lesser woman must ever be forced to bear.

I wonder, sometimes, if it would not be simpler to set me up on a platform in front of the palace, to invite the Kings and Princes of Europe to gather in the square and allow them to place their bids openly, as if I were a prime horse, needing only to be broken to one rider. The price of an untouched woman is high, and the maidenhead of a princess is worth a grand fortune. I know this. I understand this and I accept it. It is only, at times, that I wish it were not so. That I wish I were indeed a lesser woman, free to bestow my maidenhead on the man I, and I alone, deem most worthy.

I wish I were free to grant it to you.

This is a shocking thing to say, I know, and I can imagine your protests already. I can imagine all the things you would say to turn my choice away from you. You are too old for me, too encumbered with your duties, too tied to your sovereign. I know all these things, and that is why I will burn this letter as soon as I have written it. I would not burden you with a young woman's wishes and fantasies. I simply must say this, must permit myself to allow the words freedom. Just once, only once, I must give rein to this. You are a true, strong, loyal, and caring man. You are a man who is everything I could desire in a man, and I wish I were free to give myself to you.

One moment, one might, in which I could know all the passion and pleasure I expect to be denied in my future marriage. Is it truly so much to ask? I will be sold for land or gold or ships or armies. I will be the seal on a negotiation to which I am not privy, given over to the ruler of some foreign land. I will never be free to choose as I will, as I desire. Is it unforgivable that I must dream and wish of some other path? Of some other man?

If I could, dearest Eustace. If I could control my own body and determine my own fate, I would grant it to you. I would lie in your bed, naked and trembling, but never in fear or regret. I would tremble for you, uncover my breasts and open my thighs for the first time, with a smile on my lips and trust in my heart. I know that you would hold me with care as you lay between my thighs. I know that you would kiss my breasts and caress my body, that you would show me all the love and compassion you have shown me since my youngest days. I would give myself to you with joy, if I could. I would cling to your back as you thrust to pierce my woman's barrier, I would look into your eyes as you laid full and final claim to my body. I would cradle your spent body in my embrace and hold your head against my breasts, our hearts racing together from our joining. If I could, my Eustace, I would give my virgin's blood to you.

If I were not who I am, I would be yours.

Yours.

Yours always,  
Mary


End file.
